Listen to me son. Just listen. It is important that you do.
Be wary of these ladies that do not conform to societal standards of beauty. I know, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. But the beholders are human, and humans tend to have a way with popular opinions. The ladies that you consider too fat or too skinny. The ladies that are flat at the back and generous at the front. Too generous. Ladies with different shades of melanin and unattractive dental formula.
These ones with acne all over their front plates, receding hair and foreheads protruding. Most importantly, avoid these ones that in your opinion are too tall or their feet too big and their jaws too Neanderthal. It doesn’t matter the extent, as long as the public opinion seem to suggest that particular damsel is lagging behind in various aspects necessary to quantify beauty. Avoid. Avoid them as long as the fat around the waist forms layers and layers of meat. Those whose torso and bums do not seem to have clear demarcations. Avoid all of these.
I repeat for emphasis. Any woman who’s cut out does not mirror the magnificence of Beyoncé Knowlesi or bad girl Rihanna, you will not eat. If her appearance does not come close to what Yara Shahidi with a bit of an ass would look like, do not think about her. Run away, faster than Robin’s arrow. Get away quicker than the mating of a duck.
All the ladies with firm breasts you can pursue and the women with flat stomachs you can woe. The ones with dimples superior to the back of their waist and two more plastered on the cheeks, all these you can befriend, when lucky, you can quench. Any one with milk white teeth, wide smiles and full lips are yours for the taking. All the rest, son, avoid like a plague. For I your author have spoken.
Hear me out, this is why.
The very first time you let your guard down, you will find a listening ear. If you thought nobody could be your mother sister friend family and fan at the same time, well think again. Two days through getting to know them and their laughter is communicable. They don’t talk much in a successful attempt to be invisible to the world. The upside; they observe. You earn their trust and the world is never the same again. The view with which they pursue reality and normality will keep you texting to the wee hours of the night. You like football, well she doesn’t, not really. But two weeks down the line, she knows why Messi’s penalty assist to Suarez on a date like this four years ago was a masterpiece.
You fall in love faster than it took you to appreciate the tits of your own mother. That fast. These ones have the uncanny ability to do everything right. The way she calls you Zaddy is up there on the list competing with how your mother calls you “Boy!”. Three weeks and you already have a characteristic handshake that is a marvel to watch. Four, and you want to share the very breath she takes. Oh did I mention that there is a note in the pancakes she made for you to, “stay safe!”
You didn’t know that she knows Pumba’s lines at heart and sings through the Hunchback of Notre Dame, sound effects and instrumentals included. She cries every time Mufasa dies and screams at the TV when Sarabi is punched. She’s perfect. She appreciates sarcasm and writes you emails. You miss her every time she’s in the next room and you hurt a little that she has to go. When she sings in the shower, you switch of the News. When she dances in her pajamas, your heart skips a bit.
Every time you meet she rubs your back and rests on your chest. When the cardinal point awakens after her intentional rub at the arrow, its game time. Son, there is nothing in the whole wide world, bigger or better than the rubber bumpy bubbly bumper from an ugly woman. Her circle is small; you wonder where she gets all this practice. No matter, you cannot think straight. These daughters of Orie Rogo and Smart Joker will make you scream with nothing but their hands and actions of their tongue. John Askari passes out in a bit and is resuscitated with a mouth to mouth. He convulses this time foam oozing from the mouth.
Did I mention the grip? Their rubber is firmer than Michelin on the race tracks. It’s partly because not very many people race here anyway. Affirmative action, women leading the game, but she doesn’t complain. You are already thinking of the next race and the engines of this particular one is not even cold yet. What began as a remark of, “dirty water quenching thirst,” is fast growing into a Shrek Forever After. Your stomach is full and your gun is empty. Your conscience is clear and your mind is at peace. You love everything about her existence, you’d worship the sole of her feet. Should she ask, you would sell your kidney to pay off her student’s loan. And the best bit, every single action and selfless deed you push forth is reciprocated ten-fold.
But you cannot show her off to the public, for after all is said and done, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. But the beholders are human and humans tend to have a way with popular opinion. So keep away, you are not worthy to swing Thor’s hammer on their Asgard.
Beyond the shell they had no control in shaping, they have worked extra to cultivate the pearl within.